Posts tagged ‘flying spaghetti monster’

Pipe Tobacco Taxes and Powerful Secret Lobbies

If you’ve been following the news lately, a massive tax hike has been implemented on that evil weed, tobacco. Cigarettes, roll-your-own, chewing, and cigar tax rates went through the roof. Oddly enough, pipe tobacco went up about a mere $1 a pound. Since I buy in bulk from OutwestTobacco.com (Lane Limited BCA, hint, hint), it hasn’t broken my bank.

Why this minimal increase in pipe tobacco taxes. Here’s my theory. Powerful secret societies, like the Freemasons, the Illuminati, Templars, Skull & Bones, and The Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster contain pipe smokers fighting for our rights. Well, at least one or two pipe smokers.

Remember, the Scientologists are godless heathen communists pitted against the forces of good and pipe smoking everywhere. They are the enemy. They’ve taken an oath to destroy meerschaum and briar because they interefere with the brain wavelengths of the evil aliens coming to take over celebrities. Take a look at Swordfish. Travolta only plays with his pipe, not smoking it. And when was the last time you saw Tom Cruise smoking a pipe. Aha! Bastards!

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The Decline In Pipe Smoking Explained

As you know, there are fewer and fewer pipe smokers. This can be explained using correlations.

First, 100% of all people eating carrots have died, or will die at some point.

There is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

And after much mulling over the subject, there appears to be a sharp decline in pipe smokers beginning in the 1970’s, about the same time that microwave ovens became available to the general public.

Therefore: Carrots cause death, the decrease in pirates causes global warming, and microwaves explain the decline in pipe smoking.

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