The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic

February 20th, 2011

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

Yuk!!!!

February 20th, 2011

A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, “I’ll take the cold chili.”

“I’m sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl,” says the waitress.

“Oh, I’ll just have coffee, then.”

After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full.

He asks, “Are you going to eat that?”

The other man replies, “No.”

“Would you sell it to me?”

“You can have it for free if you want it.”

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other man says sympathetically, “That’s about as far as I got, too.”

A Woman’s Poem

February 20th, 2011

Okay, it’s been 8,000,000 years since I posted anything, and I have all these old jokes sitting in my in box, so I thought I’d torture you with them.


A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

==X==

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

Engrish Prease

September 21st, 2010

Okay, I know this is totally politically-incorrect, but I have absolutely no clue of what it means. I got this on Flickr, and I’m very, very confused.

“hiiiiiiiiii

I would like you to identify yourself and be decent Asjqa intimate
Special hobby, and only a photography
I love it so much
So that all the love and appreciation my friend”

Flickr is a photo sharing website, so I think this is legite. I just have absolutely no idea of what “I would like you to identify yourself and be decent Asjqa intimate” actually implies. What thel hell is “Asjqa?”

Yeah, I know, just ask them. FU.

Neuropathy Quick Draw Pipe Holster

September 13th, 2010

I have neuropathy and tremors, but we don’t know what’s causing it yet. When I know more, I’ll probably post it at some point.

Because of this, it’s incredibly painful to fold my hands to reach into my pockets and use fine manipulation. Pulling a lighter out of my pocket is literally impossible. Being unable to do simple tasks is frustrating.

Now, I figured out how to move everything to holsters, but when I fall down (which is getting more frequent), I end up either crushing what’s in the holsters, or really hurting myself where I landed on them.

Being annoyingly improvisational, I came up with this goofy pipe holster.

100912 Neuro Pouch 01

I loaded up a pouch with my pipe stuff. The snap hook you see on the back allows the pouch to move away from my body when I fall.

100912 Neuro Pouch 03


So here are the contents of my pipe holster. From left to right, top to bottom: pipe cleaners, backup disposable lighter, pipe (of course), pipe tool, fluid reservoir, lighter attached to belt snap, and the pouch itself.

100912 Neuro Pouch 04

Windcap clipped to chain. I just unclip it when I want to use it. To make the loop through the top of the windcap, I just bent a paperclip into a loop.

100912 Neuro Pouch 05

A pipe cleaner holder from Iwan Ries.

100912 Neuro Pouch 06



Zippo fuel canister. The skull attached to the clip makes it easier for me to pull it out of the holster.

100912 Neuro Pouch 07


Yep. Skull.

100912 Neuro Pouch 08

Zippo model 275. It comes with an elastic lanyard attached. Makes it easily retrievable if I drop it (boing!), and if the lanyard ever breaks, it’s easy to replace with a chain or something.

100912 Neuro Pouch 09


Pipe tool attached to key chain with a ball at the top. I can tuck the tool into the top of the holster, and the ball makes it easier to pull out.

100912 Neuro Pouch 11

I've got my eye on you…


Why yes, that is an eyeball. Torn from a screaming… uh… insert your own enemy here. Eyeball keychain from Tech Optics.

100912 Neuro Pouch 12


Again, eyeball keychain from Tech Optics. For cheap entertainment, put it in someone’s soup.