Archive for 20th February 2010

Happy International Pipe-Smoking Day!

It’s IPSD! I asked for it off from work as a religious holiday, but they wouldn’t let me celebrate it, so I’m filing an EEO.

Anyway, in the meantime, I just wanted to fabricate some nonsense about IPSD.

IPSD was established when Stonehenge was finished, and all the Druids went to the local pub, got sloshed, and decided to make it a holiday. In an effort to include this pagan holiday, Caesar commissioned Leonardo Da Vinci to do a painting of the establishment of this memorable event. Unfortunately, Leo had also been hanging out at the local pub, got sloshed, and painted “The Last Supper” instead. Caesar had him drawn and quartered. He figured Santa had a pipe, that would have to do.

During Pipe Prohibition, people would go into bootleg pipe saloons and smoke homemade tobacco out of bathtubs filled with gin. This led to the Great Chicago Fire, when Mrs. O’Leary’s cow ignored the “Do not dump hot ashes” sign. While sloshed.

Today, we celebrate by battling a 775% tax increase on tobacco. In a scene reminiscent of the Boston Tea Party, we plan a secret (well, not so secret now) mission to throw our legislators into Puget Sound. Any anti-pipe-smoking activist is being labeled a “terrorist.”

So now, I leave you with the actual words from Oscar Wilde, ““Keep pipe-smoking in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of pipe-smoking and being smokey brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.” (Not many people know it, but Oscar Wilde wrote “Alice in Meerschaum-land,” much to the indignity of Lewis Carrol, who promptly sued him for plagarism…a tradition that this blog celebrates to this day.)

Arf.

Pipe-smoking dog

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