I was feeling homesick a while back.
After some time went by, I started thinking about what that really meant. I think homesick is a yearning for things you’ve done, wish you hadn’t have done, or wish you could have done differently. It’s not so much of a place, but of a feeling, of a time.
If I’m realistic, all my old hangouts have become something else, like parking lots now. There weren’t many friends, as I was always somewhat a solitary person. I liked being around people, but not really with people. Sometimes not even around people. I was invisible in school, and just worked a lot. Some of those people were close to me, but those ties just wore away with time.
Then there were others who I unexpectedly outlived. Tom, Marvin, Vince, Melody, Kathy and more. Kind of wish I could go back and make my peace with some of them.
The times I have tried to reach back through time, I’ve just mostly pissed off the people I was trying to reconnect to. Time glosses over your memories, and you forget how much you’ve hurt someone or how much they’ve hurt you.
I remember coming out of a store once, and seeing a harvest moon. Fat, orange, and huge, hanging in space above me. I’ve never seen one like it again.
Wanting to go home is a little like that. It becomes huge in your memory, but you don’t get to go home again.
Fort Wayne
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